Funny Newspaper Headlines And Quotes: Include Your Children When Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty. Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember Gas Cloud Clears Out Taco Bell. Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club Members Meet Georgia Peaches California Grown 89 Cents lb. Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty Man Jumps Off 2nd Street Bridge; Either Jumper Nor Body Found After Detour To California; Shuttle Returns To Earth Fried Chicken Cooked In Microwave Wins Trip Woman Improving After Fatal Crash Properly Drafted Will Reduces Anxiety After Death Study Reveals Those Without Insurance Die More Often Experts Increase Probability Of Big Quake in California Man Found Dead In Cemetery Gunfire In Sarajevo Threatens Cease-fire Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17,000 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors "Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women, up from almost none a year ago." (Detroit News article) Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee (Toronto Star headline) "Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6." (Entrepreneur Magazine ad) Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out (The Tallahassee Bugle) Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs (The Anchorage, Alaska Times) Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming (The New Haven, Connecticut Register) Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters (The Tallahassee Democrat) Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely! (The Houston Chronicle) Governor's Penis Busy [should be "Pen Is"] (The New Haven, Connecticut Register) Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands (Bangor Maine News) Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position (The Washington Times) Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal  (The Bosnia Bugle) Long Island Stiffens For Lili's Blow (Newsday) Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax  (San Antonio Times) Rose Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-free (Chicago Daily News) Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders (The Miami Herald)